A gentle place for healing Forever Young Forest, a place of calm, a place of tranquillity, a place where your soul can start to come together again. When we lost our third baby, I felt like all those pieces that had been split apart the first two times, were fractured now in such a way, that I would never be whole again. That each time one of our babies died, part of me died with them, and now with the loss of our third that was it, I would never be me again. The things that used to make me smile, no longer brought me joy, the sun no longer felt warm, the rain no longer felt cool, my mental health was not just slipping away, it was running. Healthcare when it comes to losing a child in pregnancy is sadly lacking within the U.K, you are not checked on often, if at all, and if you already have a pre-existing mental health condition, then your ‘sadness’ is put down to that. I mean you have depression, what do you expect kind of attitude. So, I was often left slipping into a pit of darkness, that even the stars no longer sparkled. During this deep depression of losing our second child R, I came across Forever Young Forest, run by a couple who lost their beautiful baby boy Tommy Blue, and through this loss, have created a non-profit CIO wanting to help and support those who have lost a child through pregnancy and birth. We hit it off straight away, realising we lived close to each other, knowing local café’s, parks, and attractions. We would talk until late at night about what our babies would be doing now, latest milestones they should be celebrating, their first tooth, first solids, first words. It was hard, when they moved to Wales to start a new life, a new adventure, but we understood, that they were doing it for such special reasons, and Tommy Blue was taking them on a new adventure. When we found out we was pregnant with O, they were the first people we contacted to tell them of the news. Although there was anxiety in letting them know we had been blessed with the third chance of potentially bringing home our rainbow, and they had, had to say goodbye to their sweet boy, they could not have been happier for us. Over the weeks and months of my pregnancy progressing, they kept in touch to check how I was doing, and when we sadly lost O, an invite to the forest was instantly offered. So, bags packed, directions noted, we started our trip to Wales, not really knowing what to expect. Driving along, the husband and I didn’t really talk about our loses. We both were apprehensive, and lost in our own thoughts, instead discussed the journey, the surroundings and the usual couples talk of how much traffic there was for a weekday.

There are very few people in my life who are aware that I have a deep love for music. I am not talking about let’s put on a playlist and enjoy the artist, but a love that burns deep and bright. I used to play the clarinet, piano, keyboard, and would even sing. I come from a family who were heavily into music, my grandparents were both in several choirs, and encouraged me to sing whenever I could, from as soon as I could speak, along with dance, taking me to different venues and care homes to see people they knew. Alongside this, when I met my stepdad, one of the first things he taught me was how to play the piano. Perched up beside him, learning how to read the sheet music in front of me, and learning what key came next gave me a great sense of joy. Eventually, I was ready to move onto the keyboard, and I was soon playing tunes by Phil Collins and getting faster with my keystrokes. When I got to the age of 8 a great opportunity was given to me, and that was to learn an instrument at school, and the clarinet was chosen for me. At first it was frustrating, as I struggled to remember where the keys were without looking, but soon I picked it up and loved the sound that came through. My classes were three times a week for five years, and I always looked forward to playing, even if over the years, my practice at home became less and less, as my parents no longer enjoyed my passion. Yet I still continued to sing around the garden where I could, sing with my grandparents, and play my clarinet when nobody was home. When I moved onto high school, I was excited to carry on, knowing there would be bigger opportunities to play my instrument, even maybe take my GCSE in music. However, my parents informed me, they could no longer afford the lessons, and I would have to give it up. I was crushed, something that gave me a sense of freedom, a world I could often get lost in, was now gone. The days of playing the piano, and keyboard had disappeared long before that, and a world without music, became so silent it was uncomfortable. I eventually spoke to my music teacher about if I could possibly join the school singing group, and with my great delight, I was accepted. My world was alive again, and I went to rehearsals twice a week at lunchtime. Knowing I had music again meant when my home life fell into its bleakest moments, I could sing in my head, take myself into a distant land where I could focus on the lyrics in front of me, and the beat with each breath I took. Whilst I couldn't take a GCSE in music anymore, as I didn't play an instrument, it gave me some form of satisfaction that not all hope was lost. Soon our singing group had been selected to sing at another school, alongside their gospel choir as part of a show. Whilst the excitement filled my stomach with butterflies, there was also a deep pit of despair. I had to get my parents’ permission to be signed off school for two days, to rehearse at the other school and perform on the second night. I had not informed them I was part of the singing group, as over the years, they had noticed my passion for music, and each time I went to embrace it, they took it away from me. Whether it was listening to a song, it would be turned off, if I went to sing, I would be laughed at, and if I expressed interest in learning another instrument such as the guitar, it was soon made clear it would never be an option for me, so I decided to hide everything I loved from them. However, I knew I had to tell them. At first, they refused to let me go, stating that missing school was not an option, even though they had never been concerned about this before. Eventually they agreed for me to go, in exchange for extra chores. I was prepared to clean the whole house if it meant I could sing, I was that delighted. I spent two amazing days, singing, laughing, and listening to some of the most beautiful music ready for our show, and that evening, before leaving home, I checked that my parents were coming. They assured me that they were, and how proud they were of me being in it. Had they turned a new leaf, my gut said no, but my heart ached yes. Standing on that theatre stage and looking out to the audience, my heart began to sink. As I watched each of my peer’s wave at the family members, I noticed two seats were empty, of course, my parents were not there. I held back the tears, as it took every ounce of strength not to run off the stage. Yet I could not let my peers down, so I sang with every last bit of passion I had for music, and when we finished, I walked up to my music teacher and quit. I couldn't take the humiliation anymore, the constant ripping of music from my heart and my hands was just too much to bear. It was only after I left the singing group, did I realise how betrayed I had been, my clarinet lessons, had been free all those years due to my family being on benefits, and I could have continued my lessons at high school, my parents had decided not to turn up, because they had decided they just didn’t want to, and the times following I went to listen to music, were then used an excuse to set off that days abuse on me. In a few short weeks after the show for the school, music was gone, I never sang, I never played an instrument, and when a song played, the beat, melody and lyrics no longer meant anything to me again, until 6 months ago. Sitting with a friend, and discussing how to process emotions, I was offered a couple of music links, whilst having them suggest that it could help. I smiled politely and thanked them. Whilst in my head I was already dismissing it instantly, as the trauma surrounding music replaced any hope that I could love it again. Being sent a link to a playlist of rage music to help unleash those feelings of anger I had inside of me, followed by a link to calm music, to help relax in times I needed comfort. I tried to shake off that hope, as why would you want to set yourself up for heartbreak again, but could this work? I will admit, I wasn’t hopeful, but I was willing to try. Sitting down and putting my headphones on, I let the first song play, it was painfully uncomfortable, and I kept having to pause the track to listen to the sounds around me. Whilst I knew I was safe in my own house, it did not escape the fear of remembering listening out for approaching footsteps, a door slam, a yell of my name, being pulled from my bed to the floor in an instant, followed by unimaginable abuse. Yet the more I listened, the more I allowed the beat to take hold of me. Soon I remembered the comfort this once offered, the escape into a world where you could be anything you wanted to be, feel anything you wanted. An angry song could make you feel like you could take on the world, with adrenaline pumping through your veins, and a sad song, could make you cry until there are no more tears left to be wept. This was working! Whilst now I take great pleasure in listening to music and will almost insist that the husband and I have something on so I can fall asleep to it, something I used to do when I was a child, as it gave me some comfort instead of listening to footsteps approaching. I sadly still do not have the courage to pick up an instrument, even though I own a clarinet, which sits in a case, gathering dust on a shelf, and books that are slowly going musky with age. I still cannot open my mouth to sing, even when alone, through fear of being mocked, or laughed at, which at times pains me when I want to join in but cannot. Instead, my face goes red when I have to politely decline and make an excuse as to why I do not want to participate, shrinking down to being a child and feeling fearful. However, Music is slowly starting to fill my life again in the way it did to me as a child. It is slowly allowing me to work through painful emotions that may arise, by listening to certain beats or lyrics. I can now put on a song and smile at fond memories and laugh at some of the stuff I once listened to. Music opens up a world that we can escape to with just a pair of headphones and a dream. The Mountain Butterfly

It is normal to feel anxious at times, before and exam, before a job interview or a date. It is how we respond to feeling threatened, under pressure or stressed. To have anxiety isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It can keep us alert, allow us to beware of risks and help motivate us to solve problems. However, there are times when anxiety can be a problem for myself my anxiety can stop me leaving the house, going to social events, even answering a simple text. If your anxiety is on- going, intense, hard to control out of proportion to your situation, i.e. a panic attack when buying a pint of milk, it can be a sign that you may require some additional coping techniques. Symptoms of Anxiety Anxiety can affect both your body and mind The effect on your mind can include: A feeling of dread or fearing the worst, Feeling on edge or panicky Difficulty concentrating Irritability Feeling detached from yourself or the world around you Physical feelings can include: Restlessness Feeling dizzy or lightheaded Wobbly legs or pins and needles in your hands and feet Shortness of breath or hyperventilating Heart palpitations (a noticeably strong fast heartbeat) Nausea (feeling sick) Needing the toilet more or less often Sweating Sleep problems Panic attacks Anxiety can also affect how we behave, for example we may withdraw from friends and family, feel unable to go to work, or avoid certain places that we know trigger our anxiety further, whilst avoiding that trigger our anxiety can provide some relief, this is often short and only temporary. For this you are actually reinforcing the feeling of danger and never gives you a chance to find out whether the particular fears you have are in fact true or not. It should be noted that some people with anxiety may appear to be fine on the outside, even functioning well day to day while still having some of the symptoms listed above. This is due to you developing ways of hiding your anxiety, so others do not notice it. So what exactly is anxiety disorder? General anxiety disorder – this leads to feeling anxious most of the time Panic disorder – this leads to having regular panic attacks, often with no obvious cause. Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) – having anxiety symptoms often after a very stressful or frightening event. A series can also be caused by such things like childhood abuse. Social anxiety disorder – a fear or dread of social situations Obsessive compulsive disorder- this can lead to having recurring unpleasant thoughts (obsessions) and performing certain routines(compulsions) to relieve anxiety. Phobias – this can lead to an overwhelming feeling of fear of a specific object, place, situation or feeling. Anxiety is one of the most common mental health conditions which up to one in 20 people in the U.K. are now being affected by general anxiety disorder (GAD) What causes anxiety disorders? So what causes us to be anxious. There are many different factors as to why someone may develop these can be genetics, having a long term painful health condition, traumatic life events such as childhood abuse or domestic violence, drug or alcohol misuse, even you current life situation can also trigger anxiety for example if you are in a housing crises such as temporary accommodation, homelessness etc. Money, unemployment, or work stress. Loneliness, bullying, or other difficult family or personal relationships can all add to anxiety. Getting Support There are several different ways in which you can access support for anxiety. The first steps is to go via your G.P. it is very understandable that this feel to be difficult, even overwhelming and if your anxiety makes it difficult to speak on the phone. You can if your surgery offers an online booking system, or ask a family member or close friend if they wouldn’t mind booking for you.in some areas, within England only, you can self refer for talking therapy if this feels easier for you to do so. What will the GP offer? Your GP could recommend a number of potential things that could help your anxiety. There is self help therapy which can involve a series of workbooks, or online CBT courses that may help. These can be accessed easily and quickly without the need to wait on NHS or private waiting lists. Another suggestion could be that of talking therapies. Talking therapies involve working on your thoughts, feelings, behaviours and habits with a mental health professional. There are two types of talking behaviour that are particularly beneficial for working with anxiety. Applied relaxation involves learning to relax muscles in situations that usually bring on anxiety. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) this can help you to learn strategies and technics for recognising and overcoming distressing or anxious thoughts. Medication There are a variety of different medications to manage physical and psychological symptoms. Ways to look after yourself Discuss how you are felling with someone. Just being listened to and understood may help you feel better. This could be a family member, a friend your GP or call anxiety UK helpline Look after your physical health. This includes eating and drinking well. Staying physical active, reducing intoxicating substances such as alcohol and drugs, reducing smoking, getting enough sleep, can also have positive impact on your anxiety. There are several different breathing exercises that can assist with anxiety and in particularly panic attacks. Practicing mindfulness is also useful in helping to manage anxiety If your anxiety is not social, you could consider joining a peer support group. This helps offer a safe place to share your you experiences and worries with others who also have an anxiety disorder.

When it comes to my own mental health, I have considered it like climbing a mountain. Now imagine you are a tiny caterpillar, you are sat at the bottom of the mountain. You have that climb, your risk is greater as you are at your most fragile. Your tools to climb are limited, you are going to go through many stages along the way. It can be treacherous, unstable and the weather can be full force gales. However, as you climb that mountain, your tools increase, your resilience grows stronger, and the view from the top can be magnificent. The best part of all, you have emerged a beautiful butterfly. Yet when you get to the top, there can still be small rocks, cracks, and slippery mud, that can knock you off your balance and disturb your view. People will often say, why can you just not let go?, fly away, you have wings. There is an invisible string that will always keep you connected to the mountain. you can fly high on some days, low on others, but you and the mountain will always be one. So it is time to talk about the mountain and the butterfly. The caterpillar - I was born a caterpillar. Small, fragile and very unsure of the world around me. This was only reinforced by the fact that I was indeed, the unwanted insect, the one was subjected to the bug spray on multiple attempts and the odd fly swat here and there. As I went through my childhood I noticed many of my friends were changing. They seemed confident, carefree, strong, often laughing, joking, smiling and I noticed they looked so beautiful. They were beautiful colours, big wings and oh how they could fly. Whilst I was still a little caterpillar, trying to survive in a world that had bug spray cans stacking up around her, the fly swats had increased and there was even the odd shoe. This continued into my teenage years with each day slowly getting worse, that the view in my distance started to disappear, and in its place a mountain began to form. The Mountain - As each day passed, the mountain rose taller and taller, taking away the horizon. I knew I couldn't go around it, I couldn't go through it, so I had to go over it. It reminded me of the book 'We are going on a bear hunt' by Michael Rasen and Helen Oxenbury. Although I could see that the climb was high, and the rocks looked jagged, I was so desperate to see what everyone else was viewing, where was they flying off too? Was it somewhere safe? Was it somewhere where you didn't feel hurt? Where people didn't attempt to squish you, step on you, or make multiple attempts to use to use sprays to make you disappear? So I started the climb. Yet I kept slipping down, so I tried again, I slipped on a rock scrapping a knee, I tried again this time scrapping my head, so I tried again, each attempt I slipped and hurt myself. Frustrated I sat at the bottom not understanding, I had should be able to climb this mountain, after all it was mine, not anybody else's. Yet, it was impossible, each time I tried I was hurt more and more and I sat crumpled at the bottom feeling worse than I did before I started my climb. Who could I ask for help, there wasn't anyone around to ask, so again as the years went by, I stayed sat at the bottom of my mountain, very confused and alone, without the view that so many others could see. It wasn't until my late 20's that I was given the knowledge that I needed tools, and I then realised how silly I felt. Why did I think I could climb a mountain without tools, it made perfect sense, there was rocks, mud, weather, and I could barley see the top. So I started collecting my little toolkit in my backpack, along with all the tokens of advice that would be key to reaching the top. I re-started my climb. It started to work, I was able to start up the mountain, each day I was able to go a little bit further, a little bit higher. There was still days where I stumbled, a graze here, a bump there, but with the right tools in my toolkit, I was able to recover quicker, stronger and carry on, never slipping all the way to the bottom again. Each day my climb got a little bit easier, never perfect, but a little easier, and the day came I was able to see the top. The Butterfly - I don't have my full wings yet, I am looking more like Heimlich from Bugs Life, when he finally grew his wings. I know one day I will fully evolve, and I will have my own unique pattern, colour, and style, but for now, I am enjoying the view that I have been gifted. The one thing that nobody tells you when you first met your mountain is that, you and it will always have this incredible connection. Many times I have been asked, oh you have now reached the top, you have your toolkit, you should be able to make your wings the way you want them to be and fly to wherever you want to go now. Yet, that isn't possible, you and your mountain have this invisible string. You can fly out and far, you can fly high and you can fly low, but your mountain is your mountain. Some people would say that is unlucky, who would want a big thing like that weighing down such a beautiful butterfly, who should be free to fly wherever they wish. Have you ever stood and actually looked at a mountain though, and taken in its structure, some come with some grass, some come with ice, snow, there is rock, mud, gravel and earth. Each small piece makes up a truly unique incredible story. Your story, your journey, your mental health. The wings of your butterfly are your unique strength, survival and courage, what you have overcome in life. They are your spirt, your determination and ambition to live a fulfilled and happy life no matter what you may face. You will never be that caterpillar again, you will never see the bottom of your mountain. No matter where your mental health may take you focus on the climb...... The Mountain Butterfly " Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, he turned into a butterfly"

Have you ever wondered why you feel like you are just unable to function in your daily life. You often get flashbacks, nightmares, repetitive and distressing images or sensations, physical sensations such as pain, sweating, feeling sick or trembling. These can also come with recurring thoughts as to why something happened to them and if they could have done something to stop it. Which can lead to feelings of guilt or shame. You may have something called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD - CPTSD) Post-traumatic stress disorder and Complex Post-traumatic stress disorder can only be diagnosed by a Psychiatrist or a psychologist as it is a complex mental condition, with a number of co-morbid symptoms. Symptoms of PTSD Such as; Re-experiencing This is when a person goes through the involuntarily and vividly relives the traumatic event in the form of: Flashbacks Nightmares Repetitive and distressing images or sensations Physical sensations, such as pain, sweating, feeling sick or trembling Avoidance and emotional numbing Trying to avoid the events that led to the PTSD, is another key symptom of PTSD, which is carried out by the following: Avoiding the places that remind you of the trauma Avoiding the people that remind you of the trauma Avoid talking to anyone about your experience Trying to push memories of the event out of your mind Distracting yourself with hobbies Trying to deal with your feelings by not feeling anything at all (emotional numbing) This can lead you to becoming very isolated and withdrawn, and often giving up on activities you used to enjoy. Hyperarousal Those with PTSD can suffer from hyperarousal (feeling on edge), and present the following: Very anxious Have difficulty relaxing You may be constantly aware of threats You may be easily startled You may get irritability Angry outbursts Sleeping problems (insomnia) Difficulty concentrating Symptoms of CPTSD are similar to that of PTSD but tend to include the following: Feelings of shame or guilt Difficulty controlling your emotions Periods of losing attention and concentration (dissociation) Physical Symptoms - such as headaches, dizziness, chest pains and stomach aches Cutting yourself off from friends and family Relationship difficulties Destructive or Risky Behaviour – such as self-harm, alcohol misuse or drug abuse Suicidal Thoughts PTSD and CPTSD can also go alongside other conditions such as: Mental health – Depression, Anxiety, Phobias Self-Harming or Destructive Behaviour - such as drug misuse or alcohol misuse Other Physical Symptoms – such as headaches, dizziness, chest pains and stomach aches PTSD and CPTSD can be caused by one sever traumatic incident like a terrorism incident, serious collision, rape or build up from a number of incidents such as abuse. Just because you have been involved in a traumatic incident does not mean you will get PTSD, that said because you have been at a number of traumatic incidents the next one won’t induce a PTSD response, this is sometimes called drip stress. If you think you are immune, remember the last traumatic incident you were involved in and be amazed how much detail you recall, now try and remember what you had for evening meal a week last Thursday. You remember trauma! Traumatic incidents teach us things in life, mainly how to avoid them hopefully. This manifests it’s self in some of the symptoms making up PTSD such as hyper-vigilance, anxiety, depression, short term memory loss and angry outbursts. Other reported symptoms are flashbacks and OCD to name a few. These symptoms take time to show which is also why diagnosis takes up to a year after the original incident, so as you can imagine emergency services may have been to many traumatic incidents after the first incident in that time. The usual bodily chemical responses, like adrenaline, need time to work out of the body usually 72 hours before any symptoms can be first assessed, then remeasured at 28 days to note change and so on before diagnosis. What makes PTSD such a negative diagnosis is the intrusive triggers and memories and how they impact on your daily life, a loud bang having you diving for cover or a certain smell can cause a flashback to the incident. More positively, significant studies and trials have taken place now and understanding of the short and long term changes in the brain. Couple this with advances in pharmaceutical interventions and psychological interventions, PTSD becomes more manageable, not cured but managed. One treatment now often mentioned and also used by NHS is EMDR (eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing), other therapies including talking therapies and some physical linked therapies. 'It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light' - Aristotle Onassis

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